Pin It
Tuesday, September 27th, 2011

Cultural Faux-Pas: What Not to Bring to an Armenian Wedding

By

We were an unlikely group—a Russian, two Germans and an American, spanning over four decades in age. Max, the Russian, had only two things that rallied his national pride: his fondness for the word ‘motherfucker’ and his love of cigarettes—his teeth were so heavily stained from smoking they bordered on rotting. Gerhard was a German hippy—the real kind–who engaged in some serious German revolutionary movements back in his day and told funny stories of trying to hide the smell of his marijuana plants when his wife’s very square teacher friends were over. Joachim was the more academic German in his forties, with a tendency toward ornate sentence structures, crisp button downs and blazers, always worn with a smile, a bit uncharacteristically German. And then there was me, the young (at the time 27) American, who shared Max’s fondness for colorful language, Gerhard’s egalitarian politics and Joachim’s interest in intellectual debates.

We were running very late to the wedding of one of our colleagues. In my patchy memory, I blame Joachim for taking a long time to do his hair, but I have a feeling it could have been my own fashion crisis. The wedding was in Armavir, Armenia, a provincial, dusty town 45 minutes outside the capital. It was a hallmark of a time that used to be with lifeless, Soviet-style apartment buildings spotted with now defunct Ferris wheels and rusted climbing structures overgrown by weeds. Without progress since the end of communism and high unemployment, more recent entrepreneurial endeavors in Armavir like corner lahmajo (Armenian pizza) shops created patches of hope amid an uncertain future, together with the new water utility, Nor Akunq, which we were all involved with building.

Lusine, 22, was one of my favorite colleagues and it was her wedding day. I cherished the weekly lunch outings that she and I shared with the small group of Armenian women with whom we worked at the utility. We discussed her upcoming marriage, men‘s penchant for sleeping with prostitutes (a social norm of sorts in Armenia), sex before marriage, and other girly topics that fascinated us all through our different cultural lenses.

As the only woman in our group of foreigners invited to the wedding, the task of buying the wedding gift fell to me. I went to one of the high-end home furnishing stores in Yerevan and after belaboring a decision—I debated some nice kitchen appliances, but my feminist sensibilities didn’t want to send the wrong message—I picked a large silver picture frame, matching candlestick holders and an ornate bowl. By the time we found the church, we were embarrassingly too late for the ceremony and the guests were filing out. We stumbled through apologies and made our way to the reception at the former bus terminal. Lusine’s family was one of the more prominent in Armavir from what I understood, evidenced by the hundreds of guests and rows upon rows of tables crowded with trays of Armenian food. There was never a single moment in the entire six-plus hours we were there (and we left early), that the tables were not overstocked with fruits, salads, kabob, shashlik, lavash, and more vodka and brandy than the room could possibly consume. Or maybe not…you would be surprised.

When we arrived bearing our big, shiny silver box with bow, I scouted the room for the place to leave presents but didn’t see any. I tried to ask someone seated at our table, but my Armenian was too threadbare for her to understand me. I placed the present at my feet but fretted over the protocol. Why didn’t I see any presents? Maybe people had left presents at the church? Maybe it was custom to put them somewhere else? I was already worried about our poor etiquette in missing her actual wedding ceremony and didn’t want her to think we were too ill-mannered to arrive without a present.

My colleagues were too busy discussing the merits of Armenian brandy to give any useful input into managing the gift situation, so I decided to approach Lusine, seated at the front of the room together with her new husband. She looked nervous but beautiful, and both so young. After many congratulations, I asked her hesitantly where to leave the present. She looked at me confused. It didn’t seem like she understood what I was talking about, even though her English was excellent. I showed her the box. She looked embarrassed. Had I somehow offended her by asking so directly where to put the present? Maybe I had wrapped it in the wrong color—what if certain colors had symbolism and I was ignorant about this? I had figured silver and shiny was safe but what did I know.

She said she wasn’t sure where to leave it but motioned I could just put it close to her chair. I sat back down and whispered to my colleagues about the odd exchange. They didn’t seem to think much of it and had now moved onto shots of vodka. Something was off, though. I chalked it up to her embarrassment at accepting a gift so directly and took a shot of Russian vodka as well.

Each new platter of food was literally danced into the room to lively Armenian music and after a few rounds of Armenian dancing and shashlik, a new procession of people began to advance toward the bride and groom. A sort of ceremony was coalescing where each person walked down the aisle of the hall with something in hand and presented it to the bride. It took a brief moment to process the situation, but in a moment our mistake became very clear. Each guest was approaching the bride with their wedding present, cupped in their hand. And the present was jewelry, gold jewelry. Before the night was out, Lusine’s arms and neck were adorned with enough dainty gold necklaces and bracelets to have fed some of the surrounding villages of Armavir. I swallowed. How could I not have consulted the other women at my office about traditional Armenian wedding gifts? I assumed that wedding gifts were universally something for the house—seemed logical enough in my mind. It had never occurred to any of us to ask what was appropriate first. Not only was our gift not jewelry, it was also silver. Every piece of jewelry she received was gold, making our guffaw even more glaring. I had put more thought into my outfit, debating how formal or informal to dress to be culturally appropriate, than the actual present.

Little did I know in the moment of giving her the present, her embarrassment was not for herself and not about the color of the gift wrap, but rather about our own faux-pas. She was most likely embarrassed for all of us, the blundering foreigners.

© 2011 – 2013, Stephanie Meade. All rights reserved.

More Great Stuff You'll Love:


Why African Toddlers Don't Have Tantrums

The secret of why African babies don't meltdown like Western ones.

Don’t Touch My Child! Lessons from Asia

Has the West taken fear too far?

Arranged Marriage 101

Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask

How My Chinese Mother-in-Law Replaced my Husband

And why this is the number one fight in our household

ABOUT THE AUTHOR


Stephanie is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of InCultureParent. She has two Moroccan-American daughters (ages 5 and 6), whom she is raising, together with her husband, bilingual in Arabic and English at home, while also introducing Spanish. After many moves worldwide, she currently lives in Berkeley, California.

Leave us a comment!

3 Comments
  1. Commentshermineh   |  Saturday, 29 September 2012 at 3:20 am

    I love hearing “Non-Armenians” stories about Armenian weddings. It’s something everyone should experience. I hope you had fun!

  2. CommentsStephanie   |  Tuesday, 25 December 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I am American from a simple mixed back ground. my Mother is mostly German and Polish and as my Father is a mix of Irish Scottish Bohemian and some English. Tho all raised in America.
    i have never be for heard that there was a problem with giving a gift to a wedded couple on the day of their wedding. I also have never heard of giving jewelry to the bride on this day with out a family connection to her. Tho in i understand the embarrassment of not knowing what is the normal things are.
    I am interested in knowing what Your friend’s dissent is from.

  3. CommentsInCultureParent | 7 Tips for Parents with Inflexible Travelers   |  Wednesday, 01 May 2013 at 10:17 am

    […] his formative years in Latin America, the son did not come visit his father while we were both living and working in Armenia. When I inquired why not, my friend mentioned casually that his son, who was my age, didn’t […]









Notify me of follow-up comments via e-mail.
Or leave your email address and click here to receive email notifications of new comments without leaving a comment yourself.

Get weekly updates right in your inbox so you don't miss out!



A Children's Book for Raising Global Citizens

Every life is a story. It’s easier to understand someone when you know their story.

Why I Travel 13 Hours Alone with My Kids Every Chance I Get

Travelling with children, while definitely more of a mission, contradicts the old saying that “life is about the journey, not the destination.”

A Diverse Book for Preschoolers in Celebration of Multicultural Children's Book Day

A book that honestly and simply celebrates the every day diversity that children experience.

Why My African Feminist Mother Gave Me the Identity of My Father's Tribe

She gave me an identity so different from her own.

2 Children’s Books about Jamaica

Explore Jamaica with your child.

Costa Rica with Kids: Two Weeks of Family Travel

Two weeks of Pura Vida in a country with so much to offer families.

Should I Worry about My Child's Accent in Her Foreign Language?

See why Dr. Gupta takes offense to this question and where children learn accents from

How to raise trilingual kids when exposure to Dad's language is limited

My kids only get 1-2 hours of the minority language per day-help!
[…] Peru, 97 percent of newborns are breastfed, according to LLLI. In Culture Parent reported that 69 percent of Peruvian children are breastfed exclusively from birth to five months, and ou...
From Breastfeeding Around the World
Hi I was googling Islamic beliefs when I came across your post. We are American and our neighbors are from Pakistan I think. Our kids love playing together but their dad doesn't allow the kids to co...
From An Islamic Perspective on Child-Rearing and Discipline
Mother’s Day is the most perfect and accurate Occasion to express your Love and Gratitude towards Mothe...
From Holi Craft: Straw Painting
[…] Muslims fast for 30 days every year for Ramadan, which is one of the five pillars of Islam. Ramadan this year is happening during most of the month […...
From Ramadan: June 28-July 28
[…] Raising a Little Buddha – Part 1, InCulture Parent — Post by a Buddhist Minister about raising an enlightened child.  It starts with intimacy, communication, and community. [R...
From How to Raise an Enlightened Child — Part I
[…] Breastfeeding in Jordan, InCulture Parent — Not as restrictive as one might think. […...
From Breastfeeding in Jordan
[…] Best and Worst Countries to be a Mother, InCulture Parent – “The 2010 Mothers’ Index rates 160 countries (43 developed nations and 117 in the developing world) in terms of th...
From Best and Worst Countries to be a Mother
[…] Why Americans Value Independent and Competitive Kids, InCultureParent — Interesting look at how our values impact our interactions with our children (babies in particular). […...
From Why Americans Value Independent and Competitive Kids
[…] Multiple Fathers and Healthier Children in the Amazon, InCulture Parent — a fascinating look at cultures in the Amazon where pregnant women have sex with more than one man as a means...
From Multiple Fathers and Healthier Children in the Amazon

More Communication Fail