Other People’s Parenting

Wednesday, March 6th, 2013

What Sucks about Being a Nanny

By

What Sucks about Being a Nanny
When friends hear the nanny position that has served as my main gig for the past year and a half is ending, the most common question I’m asked is, "But won’t you miss him?"   Him. The blonde-haired baby with whom I’ve spent all this time, the same child who calls my name as soon as my car pulls up, who kisses me on the mouth and tells me daily he loves me, his diction ridiculously clear for a toddler.   While the answer is, of course I’ll miss him, it’s also yes, but…as in yes, but that’s a function of being a nanny, a known part of the deal.  Read more »

I’m Your Nanny, Do You Really Trust Me?

The first week of my new job coincided with the heavily media-covered murder of two children by their nanny in the Upper East Side of New York City.  Read more »

The Only Things Your Baby Needs

Jail is an interesting place to observe parenting in practice.  Read more »

Why the Car is Bad for Your Kids

I’m a strange candidate to argue for a car-free approach to childrearing.  Read more »

Exploring Masturbation in Children and Other Taboos

When I told some people that I wanted to write about childhood sexuality, they were understandably wary. I wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole, was the way one friend worded it. They were only partially reassured when I promised that I wouldn’t be advocating having sex with children, only acknowledging the inherent sexuality children have from birth.  Read more »

Toddler Food Wars

Lately the families I work for are dealing with issues around food. In one household, I am told that the toddler has decided not to eat her dinner one evening and so as a consequence I am not to give her any food if she asks. They hand me a full sippy-cup of milk that the toddler has disdained and mention that is her only option. I felt uncomfortable denying food but also knew she was generally well fed and that if she didn’t eat anything that night, it would in no way compromise her nutritionally.  Read more »

The Globalization of Childcare: The Consequences of Trading Love for Work

Here in Los Angeles, there’s a listserv that features ads from people looking for nannies and from nannies looking for work. There’s the occasional reminder posted about the rules: a place where posts are restricted to ads. Another clarifies that conversation should be shifted to an alternative forum. The rule was broken recently when a virtual riot broke out in response to a potential employer’s offer.  Read more »

When the Latina Nannies Found Out I Spoke Spanish

I had tried to hold out on the older Latina nannies in the park knowing I spoke Spanish. As long as we spoke in English our relationship was kept shallow, limited by their vocabulary. They would ask about my day and coo over my infant but that was about it. I knew that once they knew about me, I would never again be alone for better or for worse. While I occasionally listened into their conversations in order to entertain myself while the baby dug in the sandbox, I also appreciated the lack of forced socialization.  Read more »

Warning: Babies Blinded by Eating Sand (and so I let them)

While reading Lenore Skenazy’s book Free-Range Kids, I couldn’t help but think that while dubbing her “America’s Worst Mom” was an overstatement, I wouldn’t put a nine-year-old on the subway alone either. That’s what she did. She handed her son a subway card, a map, a few bucks change and bon voyage. I am too over-protective for that, maybe because having gone to college in New York City, I know how gross and scary the subway can be.  Read more »

What Makes Breastfeeding so Darn Controversial?

I’ve done a lot in my day to support the breastfeeding cause: calling moms at work to schedule feedings, carefully titrating breastmilk into bottles from plastic bags without spilling a drop, feeding with a spoon when a bottle was refused. I’ve even ignored what was probably a sign of postpartum depression: a woman clad almost exclusively in an open, pink terry cloth bathrobe, in the interest of encouraging breastfeeding.  Read more »

Why Americans Value Independent and Competitive Kids

What does Ann Coulter share in common with the average American anarchist? If you guessed parenting goals, you would be right. Hard to believe? Well, I’ve been rereading my favorite parenting book, Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent by Meredith Small, which looks at how parenting has evolved around the world. Every time I dive back into its pages something new catches my eye.  Read more »

International Baby Naming Laws–Are They a Good Thing?

In my last column I looked into a friend’s wacky baby-naming. As it turns out, the degree of freedom we enjoy here in the States with regards to baby names is not shared internationally. Naming laws abound worldwide: France, Poland and New Zealand are just a few countries that have laws on the books. In Germany, the first name must indicate the baby’s sex--I’m not sure what they’d do with a name like mine, and who decides on which side a name like “Jamie” falls.  Read more »

You Named Your Kid What?

A friend just named her child with a celebrity-style moniker. Think an obscure shade of blue and a Greek god for a middle name, just to make sure he cant fall back on that one: Azure Poseidon. These days, the desire to name your child in a way that stands out is not for the rich and famous alone. Watch out Apple, Moses and Audioscience—the mainstream is following right behind you!   I have an unusual name myself, so I have an opinion on the subject.  Read more »

Nanny Wanted: Must Be Both Idiot and Expert

On a parenting message board, I compete with people named Luz Hernandez, Diana Carrillo and Alma de la Cruz. In Los Angeles, Latin nannies are ubiquitous. As I recall in New York, it is West Indian women raising the upper class. All over the world, women trade parenting. In Hong Kong, babies are raised by Indonesians, in Australia they’re Filipinos.  Read more »

Is Nanny a Fancy Word for Domestic Servant?

I’ve been looking for work lately. As a nanny this means a variety of things. Posting advertisements on parenting message boards, interviewing at Nanny agencies, filling out myriad online applications and getting recertified in any lapsed certifications (CPR, TB whatever). I consider it a practice session in Zen-like humility; a test of dignity under duress.  Read more »

The Performance of Parenting or Why I Hate my Job

Nannying can be terribly boring. This is because the infants I care for (most of whom are under a year old) are busy entertaining themselves. They are working on physics equations in their head (don't believe me? Read The Scientist in the Crib) and testing objects' densities with their mouths. Their laboratory is a mat on the floor of their homes in general.  Read more »

Why Gay Parents are Superior to Hetero Parents

I was raised by a fabulous set of lesbians in the San Francisco Bay Area in the early eighties. There were a lot less kids of gay parents then, even in San Francisco, and although it may have been an unusual childhood, it was a very happy one. Now that I am of an age to be having kids, I am reflective about the parenting practices that made my parents such successful caregivers.  Read more »

Maybe Amy Chua is Not so Bad

Having thought further about what intentional parenting entails, I sought counsel from my mother, Nina, about her parenting practices. She summed them up, patly, as "values based parenting." I was instantly appreciative of her co-opting of the term "values," as the right wing has cashed in on it for way too long.   "In parenting we transfer daily messages to our children about what is important," she told me.  Read more »

Intentional vs. Default Parenting

Everyone in my family had saved up in anticipation of my arrival. Nonetheless, when I was under one year old, they needed part-time childcare for me while my mother Nina went back to work as a nurse. My mom had heard of another nurse who had recently taken leave and might be willing to watch me. Enter Simone. My mother is a lesbian and Simone, a born-again Christian.  Read more »

Parenting Against Society

Okay, having spent 800 words convincing you that I don't wander into people's homes to judge their parenting, now I can start playing Solomon—cut that baby in half! Let the judgment begin. For the record, often I don't feel like I have a philosophy until someone else's parenting is counter to it. Sometimes it surprises even me the things that I disapprove of but I have racked up a list of questionable behavior over the years.  Read more »

Parenting: A Horse of Many Colors

As a nanny, I get to watch parenting. Being in people's homes and caring for their children is necessarily intimate. Up close everyone's eccentricities are magnified, so I get a good view. Each job and new family brings a different set of expectations and assumptions about what ideal parenting should be. I also came into the field with my own set of ideas based on how I was raised.  Read more »
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Hi Sweetheart, I hope you get these comments. I rarely have time to read these delicous descriptions I enjoy so much and find so meaningful, maybe it could be a book? Anyway thank you for writing...
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I am so excited to try this! My kids love lentils (they call them baby beans) and I am always looking for more recipes....
From Best Curried Red Lentil Soup Recipe
How many people does this recipe serve? Do you know when the earliest record of people making dal i...
From Best Curried Red Lentil Soup Recipe
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From How to Talk to Kids About Race: What’s Appropriate for Ages 3-8
Only in the US. why make sth simple so complicate...
From How to Talk to Kids About Race: What’s Appropriate for Ages 3-8
[...] and not just the books that tell stories around racism, though those are important too. It is essential that your child sees characters of all races in “every day” books, experiencing rel...
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As a mother of a multiracial child I really enjoyed reading this guest post. I have already made a list of the books she suggested, and I'd like to add a few more that we personally own: Whoever Yo...
From How to Talk to Kids About Race: What’s Appropriate for Ages 3-8
This is brilliant! Thank you for this very informative article! I've used several of the books you mention with my children, as they asked since an early age why their friend(s) had "such curly hair...
From How to Talk to Kids About Race: What’s Appropriate for Ages 3-8
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From How to Talk to Kids About Race: What’s Appropriate for Ages 3-8
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[...] Der findes kulturer, hvor børn ammes til de ikke vil det længere – se denne artikel: http://www.incultureparent.com/2011/02/breastfeeding-land-genghis-khan [.....
From Breastfeeding in the Land of Genghis Khan
I was in the same situation! I ended getting a Cantonese tutor and setting up a Cantonese playgroup so my son could get better Cantonese exposure. Feel free to contact me on info@playcantonese.com i...
From Do I teach my child my native language even though I am not fluent?
Great to see someone say, it is ok to switc...
From Do I teach my child my native language even though I am not fluent?
I encountered this article by chance. I wasn't searching for this type of parenting advice, but I am so glad I found it. This is extremely non-traditional, and having grown up in a more traditional ...
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From Cross-Cultural Parenting in Guatemala: Rethinking Cultural Norms
I think it's a cool concept this idea of a third culture, but in my Colombian-American household we've taken a kind of different approach to our dueling cultural backgrounds. We just explain to our ...
From Cross-Cultural Parenting in Guatemala: Rethinking Cultural Norms
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[...] few days ago an article I wrote appeared on InCultureParent, a great online resource and link for parents [.....
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[...] I wear the abaya, during Ramadan for family gatherings as well as the complicated tobe, since I am married into the culture. It’s feminine and girlish fun, reminding me of dress-up games as ...
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From Around the World in One Semester
Hallo Jan I came across your article as I typed in a phrase to get to understand why I am constantly surrounded with people who are unfriendly and in a bad mood in Berlin, where I am temporarily ...
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Hi Olga, I am raising a trilingual boy (Dutch, Italian, English) in the US and also here, mostly postive comments. The negative ones I've heard all came from Dutch family friends..! My profession is...
From 10 Things Not to Say to Parents of Multilingual Children
Thank you, Olga. I think you're right on-- both ways work indee...
From Cross-Cultural Parenting in Guatemala: Rethinking Cultural Norms
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From Cross-Cultural Parenting in Guatemala: Rethinking Cultural Norms
Thank you so much for your articles. I am falling of the wagon too and just try to climb back on over and over again and it's reassuring to hear that it also happens to other parents. I try to speak...
From Falling off the OPOL Wagon
Love this article! Finally someone who says: "we have our way and their have their ways, and both of these ways work". Thank yo...
From Cross-Cultural Parenting in Guatemala: Rethinking Cultural Norms
I loved that you chose to write about this and with such clarity! I strongly believe that every cultural practice has a reasoning and justification. One is not superior than the other, they are just...
From Cross-Cultural Parenting in Guatemala: Rethinking Cultural Norms
[...] Kai-Hwa Wang also writes about her daughter’s experience with that same taunt. In her article Preparing Our Children For Racism, Part I,  she outlines concrete steps parents can take t...
From Preparing our Children for Racism — Part 1
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