Why African Toddlers Don’t Have Tantrums

I have been blessed with my own self confidence and a happy, confident child who I nurture, listen to, comfort and play with without the need for him to still breastfeed. In my opinion, mother and child should learn other ways to deal with emotions brought from life’s situations as the baby and toddler grows up. It is of course possible to provide the needed level of comfort with cuddles and massage etc. Breastfeeding’s sole purpose in my opinion is to provide nourishment and should be scaled back after 18 months or so once solid food takes precedence and other methods of nurturing should continue forthwith.

A mother who continues to breastfeed in the western world where food is plentiful is in my opinion doing it for her own reasons and perhaps she is not ready to let go a little but for her child’s sake, she needs to let them grow up and not try to keep them as babies.

thanks for your comment karen. in traditional practices in kenya breastfeeding is seen as one tool in dealing with emotions amongst other tools. also every child is different what works for your child doesn’t necessarily fit for others. i am intrigued as to why you should feel that breastfeeding should be limited to one sole purpose instead of being multifunctional? if a child after 18 months (as is very common in kenya) continues to ask to be breastfed then is the mother not doing it to meet the child’s needs too?

I would like for you to write something about the difference in sleeping habits of Africans and Europeans. In Europe the is an obsession sometimes about having the baby sleep in his/her own room, and people feel ashamed when they say that the kid still sleep in the room with them (parents). Is it so in Africa? what would your grandmother say?

especially in traditional societies in kenya it is considered safer for babies to sleep in the same room as their parents. in modern cities too there is less of a pressure to get children to sleep in their own rooms. i think this is partly because of quite different ideas about shared and private space in the different cultures. there is much less of an emphasis on individual private space in many african cultures. my grandmother would likely say that there is no reason to be ashamed of having your child in your room.

I really like what you have to say about breastfeeding meeting emotional needs-and also being handy when you’re out and about for those transition times of hungry, busy or upset toddlers. I fed my 1st daughter until 14 months and who knows how long I will feed my son for. I agree feeding once babies walk and talk is not as accepted in Australia also. Gorgeous article, thanks

Great article! I definitely agree that BF’ing helps reduce tension between toddler and mother. If only it really did prevent tantrums completely! I think another big difference could be the pace of life. If we run about all rushed and stressed, a toddler in tow is going to pick up on that energy. Recipe for tantrum! Taking a more “natural” human pace, along with BFing seems like a good approach to keeping a happy toddler.

Maybe breastfeeding is one reason, but I also think that the fact that most families in kenya have a nanny, not just wealthy families, has a lot to do with it. Having someone at home to look after your kid means you don’t have to take them out to run errands, I.e you don’t have to take them to the supermarket if they are not in the mood. I think having ‘help’ at home frees parents up to respond to kids needs, whereas in the UK, I certainly remember most tantrums arising from a clash between my need to go out and buy milk, for instance, and my daughters need to play at home.

J. Claire K. Niala I so love your writing. I read something you wrote for another website and enjoyed it so much that I searched your name to find other articles you’ve written. It is so reassuring to read real accounts from a mother for whom breast feeding has been a positive parenting tool, rather than an obligation. Although I appreciate the scientific evidence to support breast feeding it’s great to have the emotional aspect supported as well. I plan to breast feed my now 5 month old son (who eats hourly, if not more frequently) as long as he would like. Thank you for sharing your experiences with the world. In this moment, where I would like to have a perfectly kept house & take a shower, You’ve been an enormous support in my primary purpose, Motherhood. Thank You.

I commented on your “Why African Babies Don’t Cry” article in the early days of breastfeeding when I was learning what “on demand” really meant. 16 months on we are still going strong. I believe that weaning and dependence on solid foods are not reason enough to stop breastfeeding. We are, after all, mammals, other mammals will feed their young as long as the young need to feed (though with some encouragement not to do so all the time), why should we think we need to impose an artificial cut off date?
I am glad that the WHO now promotes breastfeeding for 24 months, I only recently found that out, though I had already decided to try to get my daughter to wean in her own time.
Now I have to find my way through breastfeeding during pregnancy and feeding a newborn. I would love to hear more about this aspect of life in Kenya, I learn a lot from your blogs.

Pretty sure that you haven’t heard my neighbour, Manuella, here in Uganda. Yup, breastfeeding has many plus points but the title of this post is a considerable generalisation, in my experience.

Thank you for another beautiful truth. I am still breastfeeding my 18 month old daughter and it feels as natural as breathing. I do get odd looks and raised eyebrows but I couldn’t ever let that sway me: the benefits, both nutritional, immunity wise, and emotional are too obvious to ignore. I wish everyone would read your articles – the next generation would grow up feeling nurtured.
Thank you for writing. I wish you all good things.

Hi,

I love your blog posts and can’t thank you enough for sharing your sharp insights in such warm and elegantly written posts. As a first-time mom, I read much about the benefits of African traditions for infants. I’m hope to learn more about techniques used by African parents for parenting toddlers. I was happy to find this post, but wanted to ask if you have other advice to share with moms who have already stopped breastfeeding, and now are dealing with typical toddler challenges.

– Elizabeth

I just read this post since I was trying to see if someone had written something about breastfeeding an 18 month old. My son suddenly stopped drinking any other milk other than mine – feels like he is on a strike or something :-), I have instantly fallen in love with your writing Niala! I wish I can read all you have written soon. Do you write in any other place, more about the extended breastfeding ?

@elizabeth – thank you for your sweet message – another piece on just that topic coming up.

thank you so much for your enlightening article. i live in los angeles and my son is 22 months- he still breastfeeds. besides being tired sometimes from doing it, i have loved being able to be there for him in that way. i do also feel the social pressures to stop though. my older sister asked me point blank the other day, ‘when are you going to stop doing that?’ as if i am doing something wrong. i’ve noticed i am starting to struggle with keeping up the practice. i am also pregnant with our second child who is due in about 6 months time and wondering how to manage both of their needs. thank you so much for your article. it gave me a boost of confidence. i am going to send your article to my sister now. 😉

I am curious – how do mothers in Africa who never breastfed manage, ie ones who it never worked for? Do their toddlers behave in the same way?
I am wondering if simply the close contact and time-out is simply enough to reassure a young child as the nutrition part of breastfeeding stops being relevant.

I agree with you entirely. I breast fed my eldest daughter until 2.5 years at which time I became pregnant again. It was extremely painful to continue breast feeding and I was quite sick. However, I went to the breast for everything. We also co slept with her. She is a thoughtful del ightful child. One of my dearest memories is her looking up at me around 2 years of age – safe and content in her mothers breasts. I had a lot of pressure from family and friends to wean her but I felt right about our relationship. I never used a stroller, soother or bottle. I’m just an urban Canadian mom.

Thanks for sharing but can we only base the conclusion on one single factor? Besides, does living in Kenya and in Côte d’Ivoire make you an expert to make a statement about all African babies? 20 years of life in numerous African countries made me come across a large number of crying babies….but let us stay focused on culture…If we only base our judgment on cultural norms, it is equally if not more important to state that African toddlers are never left alone…even some Africans experience being alone when going to study in Europe or in the USA. I even knew a Kenyan couple who had to wait until they were in their 50s to be alone in a house… so unless you have an hidden agenda (marking breastfeeding), your statement is rather shallow… This being said breastfeeding is a very good thing… but let us not mislead people with simplistic ideas…

Hmmm. I don’t know. I’ve known lots of people who breastfeed on demand, past the terrible twos and yet I’ve seen their kids pull some pretty awesome tantrums. I think this is a bit simplistic and believe there are more cultural aspects in play here.

My kidlet is not quite a year old, sleeping through the night (all 12 hours) and totally weaned. I never really had a plan for any of this. All I really have done is pay attention to the kidlet, and let him set the pace for these things. There is a pervasive idea that kids have to be a certain way by a certain age, and the plethora of parenting books that purport to teach you how to get your kid to sleep through the night by two weeks old (exaggerating) and what-not make parenting seem like some kind of technically-challenging secret thing, rather than just paying attention to your kid.

First of all, I love your articles. I am an American born, 33 year-old living in the Northern area of Italy and pregnant with my first baby. It’s very normal for women to breastfeed in public so thankfully, I will be comfortable doing so. I can confess here that I slept with my mother until I was 17!! Talk about a mother sharing space and nurturing her child !!! My Mexican mother never had a problem with it and since Dad was not in the picture, there was enough space for a skinny teenager. She would even rock me to sleep sometimes out of habit. I would not have changed it any other way. I’m a healthy professional woman and it did not affect me negatively. She passed away when I was one month shy of 18 so, I’m glad I spent quality nurturing time with her that hopefully, will last me a lifetime.
Now, I am going to be mama and I didn’t even think about how long I would breastfeed.
____QUESTION____: Could you share some tips on perhaps how African women care for their nipples? If many like you, prolong the feedings, I would think your nipples would be chapped and sore. I’m getting horror stories from other ladies around me, describing how their breasts became deformed or would crack and bleed. Thank you for your time and for the fantastic articles !

Simply put…….thank god for women like you who share such insights. You cannot begin to imagine the difference you make in the lives of those of us who struggle with these issues. We want to trust our instincts but get such pressure from a well meaning but ignorant society, we begin second guessing ourselves. Thank you for writing the truth as you know it and helping to validate it for the rest of us. It’s not always easy to articulate in words to those who do not understand, but sharing your articles with others certainly helps to create a more enlightened world……one reader at a time. Forever grateful….

Despite my whole hearted support of breast feeding, this article bothers me a little. I have a 2 1/2 yr old that I fully intended to breast feed until at least a year old. A severe case of tongue-tie that wasn’t diagnosed in time stopped me in my tracks. Despite drastic attempts to nurse and increase my milk (and trust me, I tried EVERYTHING!), my milk dried up before my daughter was even 3 months old. While she has certainly had several note worthy tantrums, overall my child’s behavior is nearly prefect. She is polite, thoughtful, compassionate, and even tempered. Since breast feeding wasn’t an option for us, I can only assume this is because I am an involved parent, one who takes their job very seriously. If my daughter cries, we work together to find out why and remedy the problem. We use deep breathing exercises to calm ourselves in stressful situations, and have a “no biggie” attitude when life throws us a curveball. I have to say from personal experience, that these are likely more about the relationship between mother and child versus strictly the relationship with breast feeding. But keep promoting breast feeding, it is an amazing, beautiful thing!

I breastfed my daughter until she was 3 1/2. We had to stop because I began taking a prescription and could no longer do it. I am a single mom and I work full time. In those early years I felt like all I did was go to work, come home and nurse my baby. It was so worth the effort. My daughter has a good strong immune system and we have a very strong bond. She is 10 now and when she gets upset the best medicine is still just cuddling together on the couch for a few minutes. I know some women can’t nurse because of various issues and I’m sure there are plenty of other ways to bond with your baby. I think it’s the bond that matters, not necessarily how you forge that bond. For me, nursing was just the perfect way for us to stay close. I think there is a lot of wisdom in the African parenting style. I remember my mom commenting that I would never let my baby cry. I just did what felt right to me. She is one of the brightest students in her class now and I think she’s a great kid. So worth every moment sacrificed over the years.

I am a mother who is in support of breastfeeding, and did breastfeed my daughter until she told me she no longer wanted it (She got fascinated by the idea of drinking from a cup). I breastfed her until she was 16 months old, and one day, it was as if we both knew it was the last time.

I have lived in two continents, in four different cultural contexts, and married an African Muslim with whom I lived with for 12 years, and as a result, we spent extensive amounts of time in Africa. Indeed, my experiences of African culture extends beyond his country of origin to several countries in Africa.

I am not entirely convinced that the reason why African children don’t have tantrum is a direct result of prolonged breastfeeding. Indeed, African children do have tantrums, and often show their disappointment and unhappiness of their situation in range of ways. Why these tantrums may not appear to be as drastic or as dramatic as perceived by western mothers, are a result of number of factors:

In Africa, prolonged breastfeeding is typically not a conscious/philosophical choice like it is in Western world, but rather an act of convenience or socially accepted norm. As such, it may not be as emotionally charged as it is in the West. That perception can influence how it is perceived by the mother and the child too, and that perception can influence the emotional impact it has on the child and the mother.

Speaking of perceptions, the concept of tantrum may be also perceived differently, not just between “the West” and “Africa” but also within each context. In fact, I may classify certain behavior as tantrum, which my fellow mother from the next door might not. So the meaning of tantrum, is also individually constructed.

In Africa, “a village” takes care of a child, not just one mother. When the babies are small, many mothers only concentrate on resting and breastfeeding. Other women take care of the laundry, cooking and cleaning. Even often wash the baby too. In a same way, when a baby is a bit bigger and wants mothers attention, there is usually an older sister, or a nanny, or an auntie or a grandmother to keep them occupied, so the tantrum is less likely to occur. And I am sure we can all agree, despite our differences in what is tantrum, that often tantrums are associated with child’s perceived lack of attention from the caregiver.

In Africa, many babies and toddles and kids in general don’t have specific bedtimes, or nap times, or indeed, any other times. They sleep when they are tired, and often fall asleep strapped around mom’s/other relatives back while mom/other relative carries on working. That in itself will limit tantrums, as they are close to the person they trust, and are not “forced’ to sleep at certain schedule. I am sure we can all agree that tiredness and tantrums often go together.

Also, when a toddler in Africa does something wrong, their punishment may be somewhat different to those used in the West. I have never seen a child go into “timeout, or a “naughty step” or a “penalty box” when misbehaving. This is usually either ignored, or sometimes laughed at, or there may be a level of physical punishment involved. Child quickly learns that its not fun being the one ridiculed by everyone else, or being physically hurt. This is also learned behavior from people other than parents, as if a child is not happy with something, they smack the other child to show that. And this is rarely corrected as bad behavior. Children learn not to upset the older ones, as age related hierarchy plays a role in many African families. As such, if you are the young one, and constantly disagree and argue against adults/mothers/older siblings, you soon learn that its not your place to do so.

These are just few cultural differences, in addition to the prolonged breastfeeding differences. As such, I would argue that the reason why African toddlers have LESS temper tantrums than their western counterparts, is a combination of parental perceptions, a vast number of personal and cultural factors which all interact in different ways, depending on the child, the parents, their family situation, the African cultural context and beliefs. And prolonged breastfeeding certainly is one of those factors.

I must admit that being trained as a per-primary teacher has given me an advantage in knowing how to occupy my children. Even if you haven’t been trained, it’s not difficult to find ways in spending and investing time in your children. I started drawing for them and telling them the names of things from the time they were babies. Give them safe, non-toxic crayons to scribble and draw until they can move on to color pencils. Don’t just pour the bucket of bricks for your children to play with by themselves. Rather, sit with them, build with them, encourage them to be imaginative and creative by being there to help them out when their fingers are stuck or when they can’t find the piece that might just fit the hole.

Sitting with your children and occupying them gives you precious bonding time. This is when you discover things about your child, his character, his potential. With this insight, you understand your child, you are better-equipped to mould his character, to stretch his mind and harness his talent. With this strong bonding cemented in their childhood, your children will always turn to you as they get older. You will always be the person to turn to when the bricks won’t stick together!

One of the saddest things observed in pregnant women is that they intend to bottle feed their kid as
they have been warned about the shapelessness of their breast. Every women knows the importance of breastfeeding but somehow refrains from doing so,to avoid shapeless boobs after breastfeeding. Some hemorrhoids become so enlarged that they stick out of the anus. These are called prolapsed hemorrhoids. Internal hemorrhoids are typically painless, even when they produce bleeding. simple notch is usually needed to remove it. You might, for example, see bright red blood on the toilet paper or dripping into the toilet bowl.

Read the first comment and thought, “Karen, what a fitting name”.

This is a great article. Breastfeeding is about much more then nourishment. It helps toddlers and infants in SO many other ways. I first noticed this when my preemie would become overstimulated, nursing calmed her. It helped her reset. Nothing else really works that way!